Responsible Parenting
What it May Look Like
Up until the age of five most kids are securely at home and in the care of loved ones. As they grow and get into school, they begin to explore boundaries in their environments and interact with so many more people than just family and other relatives. You are no longer the only influence in your children’s lives and school mates can be friends or woes in so many cases. It is during these years that parental teaching should be flexible and parental self care is key.
Spending time caring for yourselves is essential and can provide you with the strength and endurance you will need to get these little seeds to grow upright. One way to secure self care for yourself is to begin the process of learning about your children and or teens. Teaching kids the value of obedience and good manners, emotional regulation, and providing direction regarding right and wrong choices is essential for long term success both for you and them. Sounds about right, but for many parents the preceding skills do not come quickly and naturally. Your ongoing instruction is vital for their survival in the kind of world we are now living in.
The responsibility of raising children includes several challenges right? Let us consider the art of listening. Children are easily influenced by others and often preoccupied with their own interest and no doubt your patience will be tested repeatedly especially when you tempt to communicate with them. Children are each unique in their temperaments and personalities and so it would be beneficial to both you and your child to be observant and determine which methods of communication works best for them.
Something to remember, children’s personalities as well as their needs change over time and so this is where flexibility, patience and understanding is helpful. If you want your child or teenager to listen it is important that you provide the example of what listening should look and feel like. Such as allowing your children to see you display a spirit of respect and forgiveness in your dealing with those around you. The ability to resolve differences and conflicts will be necessary for them in adulthood, especially when you are not available to scaffold them.
Cultivating consideration of others and accepting responsibility when children and teens make mistakes is also an important trait to have. Even from a young age children can learn to show thoughtfulness of others and the best thing you can do is demonstrate a thankful attitude and do this frequently when others extend support to you. Children and especially teens should never be expected to do something outside of their abilities.
Many children suffer with learning disabilities and mental health issues that are often seen as misbehaving or disobedience. Even so, all children and teenagers have the capability to grow, and it is essential for them to learn that actions have consequences. Most Young kids have the capability to be responsible for their behaviors both at home, school, and in their communities and the expectation of self-control and respect will be needed throughout their lives. If you have set a consequence for a particular behavior, follow through is vital for consistency, since inconstancy can encourage a child and or teen to manipulate situations.
Endless screaming matches and arguments can be avoided when children and teens understand the consequences of misbehavior ahead of time. They are less likely to resists if they know the rules and what will happen if they break those rules and if, they have reason to believe that the consequences are non-negotiable. Of course, for discipline to be effective it should not be carried out in anger much less aggression. Remember you are your child/teens best teacher and raising children is hard work that involves a ton of patience that can bring rich rewards.
What It Really Looks Like
It’s not always easy to implement the preceding and maybe that is why you are here. Or maybe you’ve had it with your partner. Sometimes it can feel like you’re parenting alone or on opposite sides of the team. Parenting changes relationships and often we become distant and torn. Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent or working full time the load is still the load at home. As a mother who stayed home for years to raise my kids , I can attest to the fact that I felt like my husband thought I was sleeping in after he left for work and watching Dr Phil and Judge Judy amongst so many shows I remember we’re on back then.
Yes, the shows were on, but in between dishes, laundry and all the running I did when the screaming matches began. I tried to catch up on the content of these TV shows but it was always nearly slipping with my hands covered in dish soap, my hair tangled in rice from last night’s dinner. The floors were regularly sticky, the laundry, oh my GOSH… the laundry, no matter how often I washed, the mountains were rigid and crumbling all over the place. How many times did I wipe the toilet and floor because of the boys who no matter how many times my husband taught them to aim were still peeing everywhere! Kids would run, fall, cry, and scream if I didn’t get to them quick enough. I had my girls arguing over stealing clothes including underwear from each other. Complaints about overflowing pads in the bathroom bin and the constant bickering about the boys (stinky brothers) and “dad” passing gas relentlessly! Running from one doctor appointment to another appointment. Yeah, staying home isn’t as great as my husband assumingly thought.
I made that quite clear when he walked into through the front door; poor guy. I mean who wants to deal with needy kids and teens who want money for everything after working eight hours a day? I’m just as guilty about his perceived responsibilities and I used to think he didn’t do anything either.
I imagined…him sitting in front of a computer all day long, by himself in his own office; no kids, or messes, cooking, and he never had to be on hold for 30 forty minutes waiting to get a real person on the phone just to ask why our bills were higher than normal; did you know kids never turn off lights? Anyway, I imagined my husband sat in front of a computer and pushed “buttons” on a keyboard. I’ve seen The Jetsons plenty of times. George Jetson literally sits in front of a computer pushing buttons and Mr. Spacley comes in occasionally and makes him nervous.
So, I thought it was the same for Mr. DeAlba who was dodging his own boss to avoid endless conversations about numbers and deadlines. Spending hours in redundant meetings wishing he could use toothpicks like Tom the cat from Tom and Jerry just to keep his eyes open. The relentless phone calls with patrons shouting profanities in Spanish and English at him because they were getting letters to pay debts. And… so it went, and things got better, a little, as our kids got older and after he got a better job.
Then Puberty Hits!
Parenting Teens
My teenagers were a whole set of new drama though, like literally drama. They’re acting skills were on cue when it was time to get up for school. This was when school mornings felt like a fireball of anxiety. I thought they need to hurry, I’m gonna get canned one of these days for being late to work. Fired from where though? I dunno..after all I was a stay at home mom but it still felt urgent especially when the tardy letters start piling up. Oh wait, I remember, the anxiety was coming from my husband who “could” get fired if the girls continued to take up both bathrooms. Luckily for us he did not …but my 16 year old daughter was still struggling to put her curly’s (she has curly hair) in alphabetical order every morning while the other one tumbled around like a scarecrow with a trail of straw following her every move; ADHD at it’s finest!
The boy’s bunk beds were breaking, the video games got louder, and their stinky socks would still end up on the bathroom floors. Girls from school and who knows where else in the world were texting them and they were compliant with their commands to hang out. They were now thinking of moving out prematurely because we were “evil parents” but…the rearing party continued and continues today for my family. Oh, what a journey it’s been.
We made it, kind of… were still parenting but we learned so much from doing so. I always say the first few kids you have are like pancakes…. You know how the first few always come out a little burned and shaped funny? Yea, that’s about right for our family and you can ask the older kids how “unfair” we treated them compared to their younger siblings.